Not A Peep
by girl in the glen
Summary: Too much of a good thing... Maybe just too much. Written for the LJ MFUWSS Easter Egg.


It had been intended as a playful approach to science, something to both entertain and engage an audience of mostly disinterested agents and employees. As Illya Kuryakin (the Scientist du Jour for this event and agent voted most likely to do double duty), prepared for his demonstration he was aware that the onlookers were more interested in his table full of test apparatus than the probable outcome.

Piled in a colorful tableau of shapes and textures, the 'test subjects', as he would refer to them, mocked the tastebuds of both scientist and students. At this time of year these treat hearkened the arrival of Easter to both the faithful and secular among UNCLE's employees. The pile of Peeps, a concoction of marshmallow and food dyes, would be plundered by day's end, and the successful completion of Dr. Kuryakin's duty would be done.

Lined up on the counter top in the makeshift lab that had been set up in the cafeteria were beakers, the Peeps and several bottles of sulfuric acid. For some of the women in the group it was an opportunity to sit and legitimately admire the Russian, something they often had to do on the sly as he passed by them apparently unaffected by whatever fragrance had been utilized that day in hopes of capturing hearts and, well… you know.

The men looked bored, and none of them had much use for this little demonstration except perhaps to snitch a few of the Peeps that appeared abundant and tantalizing from where they were seated. Illya knew there would be very few who had a real interest in science, but Mr. Waverly had designed this day as a break from the daily routine, so he obliged his superior with a crisp 'Yes sir', and a sincere desire to not fail. He wasn't sure what failure would look like in this case, but he would endeavor to avoid it in any event.

The sessions would last approximately thirty minutes each, with a fifteen minute break between them, and would go on for the entire day. Illya would take a break and do just one more for the evening crew before calling it quits and retiring, hopefully, to his apartment and some welcoming solitude. The first session of the day included his partner, whose day would then continue on without Illya but not without a snicker for his partner to dwell on as the hours whiled away.

"Good morning, I am very pleased to see all of you. Mr. Waverly has kindly provided this little break for us, um… for you that is. I will be here all day of course." Illya smiled at that, ducking his head ever so slightly and eliciting a collective sigh from the girls in the audience. Napoleon took note of that and filed it away for further investigation.

"What we have here is … well, it is a rather large pile of candy, marshmallow candy to be precise. These are, I believe, quite popular at Easter time…' The blond looked out and saw some heads bobbing. Good, they were recognizable to people.

"Peeps, they are called, and are made of sugar… um… nothing but sugar I believe, and very compatible test subjects for our little experiment. I hope you will enjoy the show." He winked at that, warming up to this little bit of theater he was producing.

"Now, I am going to place some of the Peeps in this beaker… Oh, here I shall even eat one to demonstrate that they are, in fact, merely sugar…' He popped one in his mouth and chewed up the sugary treat. His teeth seemed to sharpen on contact with the dense marshmallow, causing him to make a face. The girls laughed, even the men in the audience chuckled at the Russian's reaction to this uniquely American treat.

"Very well then, I… (he coughed up a bit of Peep before continuing), I am going to pour

some of this sulfuric acid in on the Peeps and stir…' He did so, waiting along with the others in the room as a large black blob began to form and seemingly crawl out of the beaker until something like a large black snack emerged.

"There you have it!" Illya looked out and saw people's reactions were verging on revulsion and awe. Impulsively he picked up a few Peeps and threw them out in to the audience, each one of them nabbed and consumed by a brave soul with a sweet tooth.

"Do it again." Someone called out from the group, and finding agreement with most of the others prodded the good doctor until he agreed. Once more he popped a Peep, threw out a few and then repeated the process of pouring the sulfuric acid onto the hapless chicks in the beaker. Once more he stirred and the black blob formed and crawled out of its container to form an even bigger specimen.

The success of this first session spurred Kuryakin on as the day rolled past; he consumed more Peeps and made more black blobs, repeating the process until lunchtime when he had his first break. Sitting down with Napoleon he eschewed his usual large meal and opted instead for a bowl of clam chowder and some tea.

"You're not eating much, are you all right?" Napoleon knew his partner well enough to recognize that something seemed wrong with the world if the Russian wasn't eating his usual amount of food. Illya shrugged his shoulders as a response, he just wasn't that hungry.

When the cafeteria had mostly cleared out, the side set apart for the Peep Show continued at two o'clock. Illya thought his stomach felt a little off, probably the clam chowder he reasoned.

Once again the Peeps were tossed, popped and consumed by both Illya and his audience. Everyone was enjoying the demonstration and few had returned for seconds. By the end of the day, and with only one more to go, Illya was feeling as though that big black blob might be growing in his stomach.

It was unfortunate that the final session of the day found Illya not quite as enthusiastic as he had been earlier. When he put that last Peep in his mouth it was all he could do to chew it and swallow, but he did. Once more he put Peeps into the beaker, poured the sulfuric acid over them and stirred, observing both the experiment and the audience who were suitably impressed and, like earlier groups, only too willing to accept the Peeps that were thrown at them.

"Ouch! That hurt." Oh, a Peep that was thrown with the relative speed of a fastball from Sandy Koufax had hit Laura Gresham in the eye. Illya thought he had tossed it out with less vehemence, but the room was spinning a little. Somewhere in his mind the Peeps were coming for him and his only recourse was to retaliate somehow, with the only thing within reach.

"I am … very sorry. If there are no more questions…"

And so the day ended for Dr. Illya Kuryakin, not on a high note but with his head in the toilet retching up little black dots that had once been the eyes of the wretched little Peeps he'd been consuming all day. Napoleon found his partner panting and perspiring from the sugar overload that had turned his experiment into the black blob from candy hell.

"Um, Illya? I thought you might be interested to know that the clam chowder made a few people sick. Bad clams." Although sympathetic to his partner's misery, Napoleon couldn't help but be amused that the iron-clad stomach of Illya Kuryakin had finally succumbed to something like a little marshmallow chicken. Well, that or in combination with those bad clams.

Illya didn't care what had done it, he was miserable and all he could think of were the dozens of Peeps he had consumed.

"Clams, Peeps… Help me up my friend, and do not speak of either of those food items again. I only wish to go home and take a shower, go to bed…"

Illya's voice trailed off, his stomach roiling still from the day's cuisine. For his part, Napoleon drove his friend home and made sure he was safely inside the little apartment before saying goodnight.

And about the experiment, and the chics… He never made a peep.


End file.
